Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
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I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
i think both sides are to blame here
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
The Punning Dead.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here