Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
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BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.