I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
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Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.