mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
You Might Also Like
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?