one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
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I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send