[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
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Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
fourth time’s the charm
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’