Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
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How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
thank god
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey