My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
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Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.