Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
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Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I鈥檇 like my money back.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I鈥檓 inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
My hips? Compulsive liars.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Great acting.. 馃槀
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 馃槶
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car鈥檚 back tire*
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.