Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
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Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.