“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
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My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.