Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
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Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.