[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
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I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
welp
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN