The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
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The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?