I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
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having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function