They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
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Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
being a writer on Twitter:
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Things will get butter, keep churning
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind