watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
You Might Also Like
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I’m listening
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life