True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
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“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.