Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
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To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.