*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
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My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Introverted vegans go meetless
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.