Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
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How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Squirrels before girls.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*