Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
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Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
$3 #books
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
💻🤡
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner