u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
You Might Also Like
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I got soap in my shower beer again.