Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
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Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Straight people are cancelled
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Somebody’s lying.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins