Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
You Might Also Like
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.