i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
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I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall