Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
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*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10