*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
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Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered