My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
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My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”