[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
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In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
This is always good for a laugh.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.