me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
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Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.