HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
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God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
that lip filler tho
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.