I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
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I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.