the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
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I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Cha-ching is my safe word
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.