me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
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Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
adding to the discourse
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain