If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
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Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I want to meet the individual who made this
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*