my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
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Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?