Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
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I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.