“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
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Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.