confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
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Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
new shirt idea
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution