it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
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I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.