This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
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*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Is fake venison called venisn’t
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.