Got him!
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[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.