I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
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when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
is nasa ok
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong