“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
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Don’t we all.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Noted.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job