morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
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[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.