(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
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If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.