[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
You Might Also Like
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.