[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
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Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.