Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
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Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers